Coping with Anger
What Not To Say When Your Friend Miscarries
This is a difficult post to consider writing but one that I am convicted needs to be done. After experiencing a miscarriage years ago, witnessing family and friends lose children, and counseling other women who have suffered the same, there are common statements, meant to comfort, that burn through the heart of women. I want to share them with you now so your heart to comfort a woman can be as effective as you would love for it to be. I am writing this as a woman and will address things from a mother’s point of view. There is no mistaking that fathers grieve as well and my heart equally understands that the trauma of losing a baby reaches beyond a mother’s womb.
- “At least it happened early!” I cringe thinking of this one and how much it hurt each and every time I heard these words. I remember it like it was yesterday, each time another woman shares that someone said those words to her. A woman’s pain cannot be measured in how long she carried her baby. Her loss is in losing her child. Longevity is a measure that sooths those around her, but makes her aware that others are measuring the value of her child’s life in months. A mother simply values her child regardless of how long they lived.
- “There was probably something wrong with the fetus.” Oh, the day my ob/gyn almost lost her front teeth! Safe to say, I never walked into her office again. To a mother, her child would have had tremendous worth and brought her incredible joy, even if something was “wrong.” Again, this may sooth those around the mother, but again tells her that her baby’s worth is being measured in the health of her baby. A mother simply values her child regardless of how smart, healthy, and strong they could have been.
- “I will let you live vicariously through me!” No. A friend’s pregnancy is not the same as your own. This is not the same as sharing a sweater. You may be thrilled about carrying your child, but it doesn’t discount the pain she feels from no longer carrying her own child.
- “At least you already have a baby!” True. But not this baby. To a mother, each of her children are unique and worth as much as the one before. Mourning the loss of a child does not mean that a mother no longer is overjoyed by the child/ren she is raising. It simply means that she is quite reasonably mourning the death of her child and that is a very healthy thing for her to do.
- “Don’t worry. You can try again.” That may be true, but that does not replace this child. I need to repeat that. A new baby does not replace the previous baby. In fact, for many mothers, this can be a struggle. They may logically think, if the pregnancies are close together, “If I didn’t miscarry, I wouldn’t have had this baby,” and they will wrestle with if it is ok to be as happy with their living child. That may seem odd or unreasonable to someone who has never been through that, but it is absolutely normal for a mother to think through and even struggle with. You cannot talk her out of it. You simply need to let her work it out.
- “It was God’s Will!” Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Ouch! Do not send her a book on “How to find God’s Joy through loss,” or something of the like. I promise, it feels cruel and can make a mother quite angry at our loving God. I had a mother drive to my house, and throw a book that her well-intentioned neighbor gave her, using language of all colors to describe her feelings about this “thoughtful” gift! It crushed her and she raged inside towards God and this neighbor. Mothers need to know that God weeps with them. The Bible says to mourn with those who mourn. You may be uncomfortable cozying up and crying with your friend, but trying to discount their time to mourn is not a solution.
- “It just wasn’t time yet.” Well, it actually was. It was time. This mother carried her baby at the exact time they were meant to live. A baby showing up at the so called wrong time does not alter their value in the eyes of their mama.
- “Now you and your husband have more time just the two of you because trust me, when you have a baby….” A mother does not need to hear how much more time she will have to enjoy her husband. They were clearly already enjoying each other and were delighted to enjoy each other in a new way. Sending a message that somehow a baby would have ruined that concurrently sends a message to the couple that they were too selfish to enjoy their baby and each other, so surely death would be better. That sounds pretty harsh, right? You didn’t mean it that way? I know that. That is why I am telling you what she will hear. A mother in mourning will hear very specific undertones in what you say.
- “At least you know you CAN get pregnant now.” A mother’s pregnancy is not simply a test of maternal physical aptitude. She wanted a baby. Her baby. She didn’t just pass the pregnancy test. She lost her child.
- “You can always adopt.” I promise, she knew that before she became pregnant. Her ability to adopt was not enhanced by a miscarriage. An adopted child does not replace a miscarried or stillborn child any more than a birth child would have. A grieving mother may desperately want a child, but, for the time being, she wants this child. The mere idea of desiring a “replacement” would make her feel like a monster.
You want to offer her comfort and that is a lovely thing. Offering comfort is not the same as taking her pain away. You cannot do that. She needs support around her and willing persons to help her carry the pain. In her eyes, in her heart, in her own body, her child died. The magnitude of such a trauma is extensive. Mothers are not “out of sight, out of mind” folk. They do not find solace in never holding their baby alive. They need to know that it is as ok to mourn and weep over losing this little life that lived inside as it is to mourn and weep over losing a 1 year old or a teenager or anyone else. The time clock is up to them so don’t try to speed her along. Just carry the burden with her, with an understanding heart. Consider that her entire body, physically and emotionally is undergoing this trauma, even if she looks the same to you. If she needs to cry, let her cry. If she needs to talk about it, talk to her about it. Think before you talk, “am I about to say this to make her stop mourning? Am I about to say this because I want to feel better?” Understand that she wishes she could feel better too. Miscarriage has become a bit of a secret because we fear others responses. Let mothers know they can come out of hiding now and share their stories. Let them feel comfortable naming their babies, no matter how small. Let them chose ways to honor and mourn their child’s life and honor that with them. They may go on to see God’s goodness through their life. They may go on to have more children. They may go on to adopt. They may even want to read a book someday on finding joy in troubled times. Be the friend that was there through it all. You may need her to do that for you someday.
This is dedicated to all of you precious mothers who lost their sweet babies. As my Pastor so lovingly shared with a friend, “Heaven just got a little sweeter for you!”
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Official Time Out Steps
We use time out in our family. I understand why some feel it is controversial but with some prayer and some modifications, we have felt it has been a good decision for our family. Perhaps it may be a good fit for you too! If not, no worries. Just skip to another post!
Why do we use Time Out as a discipline measure?
Well, we are convinced that it is our job to provide as many parallels to the “real world” as possible to prepare our children for their future adult lives. In the “real world,” time out is a discipline tool used all the time! Really. Think about it! You break rules and you get suspended, expelled, fired, probation, and even jail time. Time out happens and I would rather teach them to avoid it whilst they’re young, than be deduced to visiting hours only. Besides, I love them. A ton! If they need to learn something, I prefer it to be from someone who loves them! For example, if you bully in my home (refer to our bullying guidelines), you will go away (time out). I am a big believer that techniques should simulate life. You’re giving them a realistic view of their world. If you bully as an adult you could go to time out…and it will have bars! The point of a time out or a punishment is to bring that person back to the family, to join in a happy unit. It is not about you ridding yourself of some anger. The purpose is to restore and reteach.
How do we use Time Out?
We basically took everything we learned about time out and threw it out the window. We start young! I mean young! Like by 15 months. Obviously that would differ per child since development happens at different rates. We do not use a 1 minute per age rule because we believe correction should only last as long as it needs to for effectiveness and not a millisecond longer. For our littlest ones, we will do a very quick correction. Here is how it works.
Step 1- Change the Location- Quickly remove the child from their current area and bring them to a corner, wall, room, designated spot (wherever); just somewhere different from the scene of the crime. This area should be somewhere in the presence of where you will be while they are in time out. They will need to have a visual on you. I will explain more late. I don’t like to ruin surprises. This movement should be quick and unexpected. You want them thinking, “What on earth is she up to?!?” This brain trick helps them snap out of naughty mode for a brief moment and will peak their curiosity prompting at least come level of attention.
Step 2- Get down on your knees and make eye contact. “If you don’t have their eyes, you don’t have their heart!” ~Michelle Duggar
Step 3- Tell them what they did wrong. “Cupcake, you whopped sissy on her head!” Be sure your face and tone match your words. You cannot be terrified of correcting your child. It is kind. It is loving. It is sweet. It is needed! You are blessing your child, not injuring their spirits for life. Your face and tone should reflect urgency and should be firm and unpleasant because what you are saying is urgent, firm, and unpleasant. For small, squeaky sounding mamas like me, I needed to practice in a mirror. My mother, heard me mother, and let me know, in as kind of a way as possible, that I wasn’t that scary. Though scary is not our goal, being taken seriously is! I have some of the most adorable friends in the world and they sound as adorable when they correct their children. I now, if they ask for it, tell them honestly how they sound because someone was kind enough to do that for me at one point. (Thanks again Mom!) If I think you are adorable, so will your kids and therefore, they will not try to avoid correction, rather they will coerce it!
Step 4- Tell them why it was wrong. “That hurt sissy!” Again face and tone must make sense to what you are saying. Try this checklist if you struggle or don’t know if you struggle in this area. Parent Correction Checklist
(You may should shorten or lengthen the dialogue in correlation to your child’s mental capacity)
Step 5- Tell them their consequence. “You are in time out!”
Step 6- Set the child in time out and walk away (But not out of sight) It is important to stay close but pretend you are not watching. It helps to have super sonic parent eyes! So here is the tricky part! You are not going to set a timer. You are simply going to watch. So, steps 1-5 should all happen very quickly. By this point you should have your child’s curious attention. You have just caused an upheaval and they are now waiting, watching, and listening to see what you want. If you mosey through the steps, they likely stopped paying attention long ago. Since this happened quick, they are in the “what in the world just happened mode” and now they are trying to sort all of it out according to their abilities. For a younger child, this can be a very short amount of time before they are ready to start thinking about something else again. So you are watching for cues that your child is ready to move on. They may go from looking confused to starting to wiggle their fingers, or their little legs. You can see that they are about to get themselves out of time out. I recommend a sitting time out to buy you time. At the point they are figuring this is all nonsense, you intervene. As quickly, you go over and stand them up before they get up on their own. You want the standing up part to appear to be on your terms, not theirs. This gives you back their attention. Over time, you can lengthen your time outs, if need be, because they will have learned early on that you are in charge of when they sit and when they stand.
Confession: Thanks to this technique, I have successfully been able to enforce “Time Out,” while I am driving and they are buckled. I have told them they are in time out and, though they are already sitting and fastened in place, you will still see a visible change in their demeanor. I carry out the entire process as if we were home. Completely efficient and somewhat diabolical!
Step 7- Again, get down on your knees and make eye contact.
Step 8- Review what they did wrong. “Cupcake, you whopped sissy on her head!” Be sure your face and tone match your words.
Step 9- Review why it was wrong. “That hurt sissy!”
(You may should shorten or lengthen the dialogue in correlation to your child’s mental capacity)
Step 10- Review their consequence. “You were in time out!”
Step 11- Tell them what they cannot do. “You don’t hit!” I call this emptying their tool box. In their tool box they have a host of bad ideas/tools…like whopping sissy on the head!
Step 12- Tell then what they CAN do. I call this…you’ll never guess…FILLING the tool box. Do you and yourself a favor and don’t give your child a no, without also giving them a yes. Tell them what they CAN do. It helps the brain think on something new otherwise you shape chronic reoffenders. “You be gentle.” We have the fine job of FILLING their tool box with a series of new, positive tools. Kids at all ages need this part. We are made for action. If you just say what not to do, it is all they may think on. If you tell them what they can do, you have given them a new opportunity to succeed. IMPORTANT: This is your scene change. At this point your face should reflect a happy, pleasant smile and your voice should be sweet and friendly. Even if you are feeling angry or you are not sure they are fully getting it, you are to SHOW them what positive looks like with your face and your tone and of course, your words.
Step 13- Have them make amends. This is so crucial. Even your non-verbal’s can walk through an apology. You may say “Say sorry!” and they may reply, “baabee!” Perhaps they can only do a gentle touch on your face with your hand to assist them while you say sorry. That is your apology.
Step 14- HUGS, KISSES, FORGIVE, MOVE ON!! It is all done now. You have fully reconciled and your day is waiting so let it all go.
So now a neat trick for the time out impaired…..
This is called “The Other Time Out”
For children who are incredibly resistant because perhaps they got off on the wrong footing, I give you, The Other Time Out. Basically you do the steps. If they get to step 6 and immediately get up or offer a fight, you can give them a warning, “If you do not sit proper, I will have to bring you to the other time out!” For most, that is sufficient enough of a threat that you may regain some control. I mean, what on earth is the “other” time out anyway? Most kids chose not to risk it. But, lo and behold, some of them will. If they do not yield your warning, you will then reset to step 1, moving them to another location, referring to that new spot rather dramatically as The Other Time Out. It is just so weird, that it actually works. I will march a child clear around the globe until we have reached the point where they fully understand, I will not give up. Even the most difficult with eventually acquiesce!
Hopefully some of these tips will help you. Remember that the purpose of all discipline is to correct unpleasant behavior, not to simply let them know you are mad. Discipline is meant to extend the highest level of respect and kindness to your children. Your message to your children is that you “expect” behaviors that will help them succeed in life and that you know they are capable, lovable, and worthwhile. Lots more on this to come, but let’s take a time out, shall we?
Blessings!
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Coping With Your Angry Child “The Anger Diaries”
Do you have an angry kid? Does your child make you consider sleeping with one eye open? Do you ever find yourself wondering where this temper came from and worrying you make be on a Dateline Special someday? You have probably heard that angry kids come from angry parents. There is a lot of truth in that but not the only truth. In fact, it is very normal for kids to show extreme temperament and sometimes even rage that stems merely from their innate personality. For now we will focus on this latter truth and we will address the angry parent later.
You may be a very quiet, demure mother or a very tenderhearted, patient father. It does not create an immunity to this common issue. You have three distinct challenges. The first is to STOP panicking! Your next challenge is to change your language. From now on we will refer to this “rage” and “anger” as “passion.” Changing your language will help you parent out of compassion, rather than fear. You final challenge is to address and offer solutions that work for your unique child.
The first idea I will offer for you to try is called The Anger Diaries. (sounds like a made-for-tv movie). In short, an Angry Diary will give your child a safe outlet for all the “passion” that is building up inside of them and train them to . Ahead of time you will need to
- Designate the diary. This could be a notebook, a journal, a binder with loose paper, etc… Make this fun. Let them know that you are going to create or buy a special diary. Designate a pencil case or pouch with markers, crayons, pens, and/or pencils specific for the diary. Designate a specific safe spot where this is all kept. Since waves of passion can come and go quickly, you do not want to waste any time searching out the outlet.
- Choose who will write in the diary. This is your child’s diary to share with Mom, Dad, or both. No one else is to write in this, unless it has been decided from the beginning. Don’t feel discouraged if your child is able to express better with one parent over the other. This too is natural. If they choose to open it to both parents, then lovely!
- Explain they can write or draw their feelings and emotions. They will not be in trouble for doing so. Explain you will write them back. Each time someone writes they will let the person know to look at the diary and simply leave it in the safe spot.
You must have specific guidelines or this will not work!!
- Establish who will write in the journal
- Establish who can read the journal
- Establish how to exchange the journal
- All communication should be reserved to a back and forth, unspoken dialogue (some little ones may need reading and writing help)
- Keep it just long enough to be efficient but save to long writing for your diary
- No self-incrimination; cannot be used in a court of family law!
- Each writer is allowed his own feelings
- Writer should not fear consequence, lecturing, or irritability
- Responses should be humble, honest, and should never be aggressive
- Before and after each communication, there should be active love
How to ruin this idea-
- Post your child’s diary entry on Facebook! Hashtag No Privacy!
- Use the diary to begin longwinded sit down talks
- Be sure to show how incredibly offended you are. You know the cheer… “Be Aggressive!Passive Aggressive!”
- Correct their grammar, “No honey, stooped hed is spelled s.t.u.p.i.d..h.e.a.d”
- Show their diary to their siblings to set an example
Here is an example for you-
Child entry 1-
Dear Mom,
My brother shoved me today and I got in trouble, not him. I did nothing wrong. I am so angry still and wish I could be playing play station instead of him because he is so stupid and he shoved me. I think you hate me and you are mean for punishing me instead of him. Everyone is so mean in this house and I got so angry because you grounded me instead of him! I can’t believe how unfair it is. He is a jerk. He should be the one in trouble. Everyone picks on me. You are all against me.
Love, Cookie
Parent response-
Dear Cookie,
Thank you so much for writing all that. I think it is great how you told me how you were feeling. I would be angry too if I felt everyone was against me! When I feel someone has done something wrong to me, I feel terrible. Today your brother shoved you and that made you feel terrible. Before your brother shoved you, I saw you hit him 3 times. Your brother did not want to hurt you. He just wanted you to stop hitting him. It is important for everyone in our home to feel safe everyday so our rule is no hitting! You cannot hit, your brother cannot hit, Mommy cannot hit, Daddy cannot hit, and your little sister cannot hit. If we allowed people to hit, we would all be scared. No one should feel scared in their home. When someone hits, they cannot have privileges. Because you hit, you cannot have privileges. I love you SO much cookie. You are so kind and make everyone laugh. We all love you. I hope you can stop feeling angry. We love you so much!
Love, Mommy
NOW IT IS OVER! No more talkie talk! Zip it. Heal it. Hugs. Kisses. Moving on!
Here is a printable example for you
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Parent Blessing 