I will gladly admit to being the more laid back parent at the play date and will offer that is has bugged a few people. Then, as that same women, I will at times be the most strict at the play date. It depends on who is there. I am not big on having lots of rules. I like a few general principals and will tweak as I see need. This is a difficult post since each family is so different. I cannot and will not tell you how to set your rules. I will encourage you, as I share mine, to read between the lines to find what suits your family best.

In place of a lengthy list of rules, we do wider based principles. Our major, untouchable, immovable family rule, is “No Bullying!” This was set up way before bullying became such an epidemic in our schools and since it is our most important family principle, we have kept the line the same. Bullying, in our family, incorporates a gambit of critical no’s. Here is a sign I have had made for this. Keep in mind our family adopts and fosters so we carry rules that will allow persons from abusive backgrounds to feel comfortable.

I found that these rules are useful for almost all typical social situations so once we have these established, I can feel pretty comfortable with taking them places, knowing they will abide by them. We expect our little ones to generally abide by these as young as 10-15 months old. I will explain more on how to achieve that and what we mean by “separating from the herd” in latter posts.

So there are three basic parenting situations that require addressing when it comes to rules.

1. When we go to another’s house- Have your rules about appropriate talk and behavior on our way there. I go seat by seat and specifically discuss what is expected of each one. I will take time to let them know if someone has rules different than our own, like shoes in the house, going into someone’s room, or keeping snacks in the kitchen. It may even be nice to have them in the habit of asking the hostess about those things. They should already by minding your “all-the-time” rules and whatever may be added, could be talked about before hand.

2. When friends come to your house- My best advice would be to relax as much as possible. That is different for everyone. I figure I can only modify my own children’s behavior and do my best to cope with others. I certainly will not modify my house rules to fit a guest’s desires. We basically will allow anyone to play here with a few caveats. You must shake my hand, look me in the eye, and be able to say at least 3 sentences to my face. I let them know they are welcome to play, it is nice to meet them, and there is no cussing. I also let them know that we keep our home a happy, safe place for all our children so please be sure to be nice to everyone. For those of you not yet in the “kids just show up on their bikes” phase, you will understand what this means someday. There have been instances when big kids will think it is funny to pick on a younger kid and they will get a warning or be asked to leave. It is ok to tell kids that food stays in your kitchen or drinks are only for the table. You can tell them not to touch certain toys and you can ask them to leave a room or even your home if they are not abiding to your rules. There is good in this beyond the moment. What you can say with love and respect, will later be told to them by society in less than kind ways. My main conviction is that if I can show them love and acceptance, that is my preference. I try to hold strong while letting them feel as loved and welcomed as possible. We have had more than a few stragglers come to our home who have horrid home lives. You may be the only good parent they see. If at all possible, be that person for them.

3. Going to Walmart- (or really to any public place) They need to be told in advance what you expect. They also need to know that you will not cower to a nervous bowl of mush if they misbehave in public. You are as strong and as set in your expectations as you were at home. When we first took in our one daughter from foster care, we had to do a family trip to Walmart. Well at one point she began to cry and whine, this awful noise she used to make, developed from the serious neglect she endured just before coming to our home. Well once she started doing this, my husband looked at her and said, “Oh no! No crying at Walmart. All the kids cry at Walmart. It’s just too cliché .” I burst out laughing in agreement and low and behold, tiny girl stopped crying. Sometimes just making eye contact, letting them know what is proper, and then moving on, works better than anything.

So basic rule of thumb, keep your rules consistent inside and outside of the home. Let them know when new places require additional rules. Hold others to your rules while at your home to deliver the message to your kids that your house rules are dependable, and to let other kids learn in a loving way that society is not an “anything goes.”  Try and be as simple as possible so you can enjoy your time with others as well.

Blessings!

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Oh yes! The moment it happens. Your child. That friend’s party. Your utter distress when your child utters those words! Your cheeks flush and you giggle that nervous giggle. “Maybe if I laugh, they’ll laugh too?” Of course most giggle too. They don’t want you to feel badly. Or they’ve been there already. But some do not giggle. Some gather their children as if they just discovered your has a plague. No plague. Just a potty mouth.

Here is where I have to give you full transparency. Moments like these can typically be traced back to my once thinking something was funny. Or worse. Something I once said. Odd how that things are funnier at home than…well…anywhere else! Then again, tone and timing are everything! My hubby and I are less than serious folk. We joke almost constantly with our children. It drew us to each other at one point but we have both been well trained in the art of when, where, and how to say a funny. Out of the mouth of babes…it can sound abysmal.

So we have found ways around this. Slowly but surely we are able to laugh more and offend less. One guide rule we set up for our preteens/teens is to think first, is this appropriate, and then is this funny. I certainly cover this over and over on our way to places where I know there will be no giggles if they get it wrong. So this is an easy technique to follow up on. If they say something inappropriate, I can simply ask, “Was it funny?,” yes, “Was it appropriate?”…blank stare.

For our littler ones we have to scale back to a far more basic bare bones technique. “If it involves your private parts (for some we just say butt), you don’t talk about it to others.” For this we have found consistency is best since they will pretty much scale up outside of the home, whatever they do and say inside the home. If someone is talking poop, pee, or anything the like, I will pull them aside and whisper, “What part of the body is that from?” They will answer the butt, and then I will say, “Do we talk about our butts to others?” They will reply a no. Now I whisper the entire conversation anytime I am covering that which you should not say. It is a way of mirroring that it really should not be said out loud, even by mama. I think it is important to mention that they can talk about those parts with mama and daddy though anytime they need to.

Everyone has different household rules. These are ours and have developed over many years as our family has grown and changed. I used to be super concerned with my child’s body image, that I would not dare set a rule about not speaking about their body. That was cool for a few years but was not a reasonable life choice for us. I do want my children to feel comfortable in their own skin and with their body parts. However, I do not want the general public to be as ok with my children’s body parts.

Whatever you chose for your household rules, try to streamline them to be consistent with your out-of-the house rules. If you are unsure about where to set the boundary line, try this; Picture your child doing or saying things at that boundary level to your husband’s great grandma Bertha, with your high school English teacher standing by, while the conversation is being recorded for playback at church. That could help you figure out what you are really comfortable with real quick!

Blessings!

This post is lovingly dedicated to all the mommies and daddies who have been horribly embarrassed by what just came out of their children’s mouths. We have all been there. You are doing a great job! Write it down, and share it at their future baby shower. They will love it!

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I am a firm believer that as parents, we are charged with preparing our children for the future. With that in mind, it makes little sense to treat them in a way that is completely contrary to real life. For example, you have a sassy kid that does not want to do chores. Let’s picture how that will play out when they get their first job. If they show up sassy and unwilling to do what is expected of them…well…how long do you picture that job lasting. 5 whole minutes you say? No…even less! So why are we different as parents? Why do they do that and still get “paid?” It is not kind to still offer them unconditional currency because it instills a rather warped view of the world. One of the kindest things you will ever do for your child, is allow them to learn about the world, how to function socially and productively, amongst those who LOVE them unconditionally! Here is a great intro into currency for your children.

SUPPLIES:

• Print, cut out individual bucks (mommy, daddy, grandparent, etc…)
• Print out a menu of ways to earn bucks
• Print out the your menu of privileges, including what they will cost
• Frames, tape, and or tacks for hanging up your menus
• Envelopes to hide and store your bucks
• Shoebox, decorated by your child, as their “piggy bank”

This is pretty self-explanatory. Allow your child to start earning. Be gracious, seeking out opportunities to offer them bucks. Do not hand out bucks upon request. “Mom, look, I cleaned my room now give me my bucks!” We are not trying to teach them entitlement so they should be awarded bucks based on your observations, and not their requests. They may be frustrated but they will learn quickly to show you their clean room, without asking for you to give them something in return. If they are a dollar short, they cannot cash in. If it won’t work in the real world, it shouldn’t work with you. This training is great for both you AND your child. When you get in the practice of seeking out the good things they do, with praise and acclamation, it will help you to view parenting and discipline in a positive light. It will teach your child how lovely positive attention is so they will focus on what is right and good. It will instill a realistic view of what the rest of the world will expect from them.

Feel free to use this print out and to alter it as you need (Daddy Bucks, Papa Bucks, Nanny Bucks, etc…)

MOMMY BANK

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